because of some certain reasons i decided to stop school. i also took the chance to reflect over the things i wanted to be. what i really want. is this what i really want? whether or not continue my current course or shift to international business and entrepreneural management.
haaii.. now.
with a certain course in a certain college sealed for me, i guess the roads leading to my future are starting to get paved for me. with my chosen course as the tools for which these roads are being built. now, with all this, people have come to ask me, at this time [a time when it's much too late for me to change my mind]:
"is this what you really want?"
i say: well, yeah. i mean, psychology is a road to either medicine or law. and i love both. though i havent really decided yet what to pursue. i know that whatever i choose i think i'd be really good at it. and it's a flexible course as well. i could also go corporate, or start my own business, etc etc. yeah. pretty good. a nice, plausible future.
"again, is this what you really want?"
no. it isn't.
i want to write and play beautiful music. i want to join a band. popularity wouldn't be an issue for me. i'm in it for the passion. i want to perform and express myself through music. for i believe that music is the highest and most effective form of expression.
i want to write and keep on writing. write poetry. write novels. write my thoughts, my feelings, and everything i've ever experienced. and i want the whole world to know about it. but with this, i wanna be acknowledged. i want to win awards. i want to be distinguished. i want to be a poet laureate! hahahaha. a girl dreams.
i want to perform. to act. but in this day and age, can anyone [in the Philippines] act and not be "ma-showbiz"? if i were to act/perform, i'd do it somewhere else, maybe hollywood [a girl dreams more], because i'm serious with what i do. it's for the passion, for the fulfillment of doing it. not just for face-value or those "loveteams" that they make of you. stupid. and i dunno, i think i really think i can do it. and one day, i wanna write screenplays. direct movies. be clint eastwood. be quentin tarantino. be baz lhurman.
i want to do/see everything. i want to wait tables in a foreign land with a different language. i want to reflect on my life while i meditate in the presence of monks in cambodia. i want to go bungee jumping in germany. i want to explore the pyramids of egypt. i want to visit the beaches in thailand. i want to live in rome with a day-to-day job and fall in love with a handsome italian man. i want to be the first Filipino to be on the South Pole. i want to see the aurora borealis.
so what's stopping me? i dunno. i guess, in society nowadays, those people who follow their dreams totally are impractical. people always tell you to follow your heart and reach for your dreams, but what they're not telling you is that "..and in case you fail and land somewhere else, don't worry, we still love you even though you're less than what you wanted to be and though it sucks to be you." and of course, you actually think there's money in the things i want to do? there may be, but you have to be the very best in the fields. i don't really want to be the very best [but i wouldn't mind being so], i just wanna do what i love to do. even if money [which is sooooo important] isn't really that free-flowing.
in other words, to put everything simpler, i want to live in a dream. i want to live in the movies. i want to do so many things in my life but i fear i won't even get to do a quarter of them.
it sucks when you don't get what you want. and i want so much. hence, this sucks so much.
Currently listening to: tattoed on my mind by d'sound
Currently feeling: nostalgic
